Taking the Nation by storm – The next big thing

The next big thing

There’s been some well-considered comments from my friends Merewoman and a lovely chap in France called Jon about my act which is designed to take the Nation by storm in the next series of Britain’s Got Talent.
Now we are all agreed that whistling and humming at the same time is pretty damn special, but Merewoman (now she has steadied herself a little) is very much focused on adding a third dimension to the act. I say steadied, as she was once suggesting the inflation of balloons from the wrong endand waving them at Her Majesty.
I am pretty fixed on adding the Samoan Fa’ataupati Slap Dance

The commercial benefits are huge. Just think this through. I head the group with my whistling and humming of “Windmills of your mind” (The Noel Harrison version not Dusty’s) Behind me Merewoman, Jon in France, Doris Brazil and BlarneyCrone (although I’m not sure about her yet as she blames everyone for her mistakes and might cause some disquiet in the group) perform the Samoan Fa’ataupati Slap Dance.
Suddenly, Amanda Holden is on her feet doing the seal clap. Piers is smiling and Simon has “sailed us through to the next round.”
The nation is agog and the lavalava has become the new Vuvezela.
“Where can we get the lavalavas?” the nation begs.
Then, after Templetons Hardware has sold out, the focus switches to the only other UK stockist in Appleton MarshDoris Brazil’s Ladies Wear. Elsewhere in Europe Merwoman makes a bundle as she has just acquired the exclusive rights to market Doris Brazil’s ladies’ clothing in France, including the islands of French Polynesia, Wallis and Futuna, Mayotte and French Guyana and I would let Jon in France benefit too.
I think we’re all on to a winner here.

Britain’s Got Talent Auditions

I watched most of Britain’s Got Talent last year, but on reflection, I wonder whether they are judging the people with real talent or if Simon Cowell has just let the potential revenue generators through.
I mean yes, Susan Boyle sang well and Diversity danced together, and in this series the Spelboud group were strong and supple – but is that real talent?
I can whistle and hum at the same time. I think that’s a real talent and its one that I think will get that Amanda out of her seat doing her seal clapping thing, whilst she smiles and fully tests her Botox. Even Piers Morgan would say
“This is real talent. This is what this competition is all about. Its a “yes” from me.” And Cowell would say
“You’ve got three yesses. You’re sailing through to the next round.”
My challenge would be to pick the correct song to get the crowd out of their seats, clapping along to start with. I am considering the following
Durham Town – Roger Whittaker
Where do you go to my lovely – Peter Sarstetd
The Windmills of you mind – Noel Harrison

Who wants to be a millionaire

Carl Scott our local fishmonger regularly joins myself, Wade and Colin for pint of World Top in The Cross Keys. He’s slightly younger than us, which we thought would be useful when we play Chris Tarrant’s “Who wants to be a Millionaire” on the pub quiz machine in the corner where Jake the Border Collier lies with his head gently laid on Harry Rushforth’s shoe.
But there’s a bit of hierarchy and status involved in Who Wants to be a Millionaire, and Carl just doesn’t get it. He should wait for us to see if we know the answer before offering to assist. But No !
Last night, there was clearly a question destined for Colin. He is the bloody history teacher after all.
“Who invented the lightbulb?” poses His Smugness Chris Tarrant, after taking nearly £3 from each of us.
Now, most of us know that Edison claimed to, but that Warren de la Rue actually invented it 40 years earlier.
“I know this one!” pipes Carl as his arm makes its way over my right shoulder with finger aiming for one particular button. And he doesn’t even make the mistake of going for Edison; he thumps down the B button for Isaac Newton. What a plumb!

Where Colin's head will end up in !

Now, I, not joking when I say that by the end of the evening Chris Tarrant had swallowed an extra £7 from each of us as a result of Carl’s premature problems. I’ve now got to work out a way to get that money back from Carl. I’m not a happy chap!

How to get the perfect lawn.

Evergreen Complete

The other week, Mrs Braddish came into Templetons Hardware and told me about her lawn.
“I want to have one of those striped lawns Derek” she said, “But I don’t know how to get one.”
I would think Mrs Braddish is in her late 60’s and it doesn’t surprise me, given her husband died a few years ago, that she has not enjoyed the beautiful experience of a perfect front lawn for a while.
“Now, do I need different kind of fertilisers for light green and dark green stripes?” she asked.
Now I know I have taken some abuse from readers of my mumblings who accuse me of taking advantage of people, but sales in the retail sector are slow, and therefore I should be forgiven.
“Yes Mrs Braddish” said I. “I would use some Evergreen Complete for one row and then alternate with Westland Lawn Feed and Weedkiller on the other.”
She seemed happy enough as she left the shop for the bright sunshine that welcomed her outside, and I popped her money in the till alongside not very much.
I passed Mrs Braddish’s home yesterday, and looking at the lawn, I just felt a tiny bit guilty, before popping off to The Cross Keys to spend her money on a pint.

Mr Braddish's front lawn

Whatever happened to Hinge and Bracket ?

There are sweet two ladies who have become great friends through their blog sites. But its a remarkable coincidence that at the same time the fabulous comedy duo Hinge and Bracket disappeared from our screens.

Are these two now Doris and The Clone

Now, I have been wrong before, but these two characters bear a remarkable resemblance to dear old Doris Brazil from Appleton Marsh and a rather interesting character called Blarney Crone.
Now, if these two are not Dr Evadne Hinge and Dame Hilda Bracket, then they definitely should be.

Questions and more questions from Doris Brazil

There’s a little old lady who owns a clothes shop in a small place called Appleton Marsh. Doris Brazil is her name and she has asked me to answer a few questions.
Now in truth, I think Doris has a thing about me and probably doesn’t realise that I am happily married to Wendy. But to keep Doris happy, I am happy on this occasion to oblige

1. Why did you start a blog?
When Tracey our daughter comes to visit from Malton and The Cross Keys is open, I can pop down there. However on the odd occasion that she pops round when it was closed, I needed to find something else to do. Of course only to give her some quality time with her mother.

2. Comfy shoes or killer heels?
(See what I mean about Doris – she’s a funny one and perhaps a little fantasist!)

My working Hush Puppies

I’ve never tried killer heels, I only wear Hush Puppies given that in Templetons Hardware store I am on my wretched feet most of the day

3. The funniest moment in the last week?The funniest moment of last week was when Bin from Dionysus Kebabs pretended he was the Dad in the Greek act from that Britain’s Got Talent programme. He danced like he was Michael Flatman from the River people dance troupe.

4. What would have been your dream job?I would have liked to have been Clive Sullivan powering up the wing for Hull FC. Clive, who now has a road named after him in Hull (ironically slower to travel on in a car than he could run) still holds two records for Hull which are: Most tries in a career (250) and most tries in a match (7) against Doncaster on 15 April 1968.

The famous road in Hull. Clive Sullivan Way

5. If you won the lottery tonight, what would be the first thing you’d do?
I would go down to The Cross Keys and pop a few quid in the fruit machine and have a game of Doms. I wouldn’t tell anyone anything about my win!

6. Most useless gadget you own?I think they are all detailed here . . https://derektempleton.wordpress.com/2010/06/15/should-i-buy-some-vuvezelas/ but I would have to admit that someone bought me this and I have never understood what it is

What on earth is this thing ?

7. You’re waiting for someone and they’re late. How late is too late?

Some people I know won’t wait for people for more than two minutes before strolling off and doing their own thing. I have just a little more patience, but only a little.

8. Are you a do it now person, or a it can wait until tomorrow person?I am most definitely a “It can be done by someone else now” type of person

9. If you were a drink, what would you be?

10. What was the first thing you thought when you read these questions?

I thought that Doris Brazil had created a very bizarre way of trying to find out some more information about me. As stated, I feel I have stoked her fire.

Happy Birthday Alfie !

Happy Birthday Alfie !

I couldn’t let today pass without wishing a very Happy Birthday to our very own Alfie Barnett.
Every town should have an Alfie, and the people of Sprodlington are certainly entertained by theirs.
But Alfie struggled through a difficult childhood. Rumour states he was quickly removed from his mother and popped into care on account of his appearance, which resembled both her characteristics and those of her brother; Alfie had a few learning difficulties.
But Alfie battled through and no one is really sure what he did during his life. Alfie tells extraordinary stories of how he once was driving a bus and he had to stop for The Queen whose car had broken down on the way to opening a new East Riding Sacks depot at Bielby. He swears too that he was once working at the local swimming baths and had to count lengths for Sean Connery who was getting fit for a new James Bond movie. Everyone seems happy to let the tales live on.
So, Happy Birthday Alfie and lets hope for many more to come.

The Sandwich Shop – some crumbs of comfort


Quite often I find myself wandering down to The Sandwich Shop at the other end of Sprodlington with my friend  Colin Marshall, the local school history teacher. He calls for me at Templeton’s Hardware store when he has left the pupils in the auspicious care of the Lunchtime Supervisors.

For me  its an enjoyable stroll down through the town as I listen to Colin tell me of the school shenanigans of the morning. Half way down through Sprodlington we always see the lady from the Post Office sitting in the bus shelter reading a book and smoking a roll up. I wonder just how miserable the Post Office must be if someone can deem it enjoyable to find solace in a tired old bus shelter.

Yesterday, there was no sign of Colin, so I took it upon myself to walk alone down through town to see Alan Carter and Stuart Jeffers in their little establishment The Sandwich Shop.  Amongst the Dandelion and Burdock drinks and Apple and Rhubarb flapjacks, both Alan and Stuart endeavour to engage their custom with different levels of success.

Whilst Alan, who has at least ten years seniority to Stuart, has greater success as he asks customers whether “the weather has been kind to them this week?” or  “there’s something nice in store for them for the weekend?”, Stuart has less natural rapport.

Yesterday, ahead of me in the queue, Stuart was quick to realise that the gentleman ordering was Scottish.

“Are you Scottish?” said Stuart

“Yes I am” replied the chap as he watched Stuart layer the ham in his ham salad baguette.

“Do you hate the way that Andy Murray is called British and not Scottish?” Stuart built.

“No, not really” replied  the customer.

“Oh!” said Stuart and then added ” Some cucumber?”

It reminded me of when Stuart met a customer from Brighton.

“I’ve been to Brighton” he said “But I’m not gay or anything.”

Should I buy some Vuvezelas

 Now I like to think I am a sharp thinker and with my finger on the pulse. I also try to have a quick turnaround of stock in Templetons Hardware, but I cannot decide whether I should bring in some of these Vuvezela things that everyone keeps banging on about. 

I could make a quick return, albeit for a little disturbance of the peace in our little town of Sprodlington, but if I get this wrong then I feel I may be stuck with them for some time. 

This afternoon I went down to the store in our cellar and looked through some of the old stuff I have been unable to shift. The Mrs Thatcher mugs were, I thought a definite winner. but they stuck. I have kept these in easy access as I’m not sure The Iron Lady is so Iron these days and if she melts away, so to speak, I could get a quick return for nostalgia. 
But maybe there is a theme with mugs in Sprodlington ? The Charles and Diana double handed mug should have sold quckly, but again gathered dust on the shelves. Even after the French driver found the central pillar I couldn’t sell them. and I am now pretty much at the point where I might have to just write these off, rather like the Mercedes. 

I thought perhaps that maybe it was Diana who was unpopular in Sprodlington, so I had a punt on Charles’ next venture Camilla, but none of the five tea towels I put out on display sold, and again these are in storage until some untimely news when I will have another go at moving them through. 

But its not just Royalty that seems to stick in Sprodlington. I recently tried a more modern approach and brought some Mr T dolls. I was never actually sure who he was. They didn’t sell either and I ought to check whether the fellow is still with us, or I may have missed the boat. 

Perhaps I ought to play safe and not purchase the Vuvezelas for Templetons Hardware.

Its official – Sprodlington now really supports England !

At this evenings Sprodlington Chamber of Commerce meeting, a motion to increase the town’s visible support for the England Football team was carried.

From tomorrow all shops in Sprodlington will display England Flags in their shop windows.
“Its great news for the England team and could possibly assist in the important match against Algeria on Friday.” said Alfie Barnett outside the meeting.

Even young Bin, the owner of Dionysus Kebabs said that he would purchase the England Flag and display it alongside his Greece Flag.