Questions and more questions from Doris Brazil

There’s a little old lady who owns a clothes shop in a small place called Appleton Marsh. Doris Brazil is her name and she has asked me to answer a few questions.
Now in truth, I think Doris has a thing about me and probably doesn’t realise that I am happily married to Wendy. But to keep Doris happy, I am happy on this occasion to oblige

1. Why did you start a blog?
When Tracey our daughter comes to visit from Malton and The Cross Keys is open, I can pop down there. However on the odd occasion that she pops round when it was closed, I needed to find something else to do. Of course only to give her some quality time with her mother.

2. Comfy shoes or killer heels?
(See what I mean about Doris – she’s a funny one and perhaps a little fantasist!)

My working Hush Puppies

I’ve never tried killer heels, I only wear Hush Puppies given that in Templetons Hardware store I am on my wretched feet most of the day

3. The funniest moment in the last week?The funniest moment of last week was when Bin from Dionysus Kebabs pretended he was the Dad in the Greek act from that Britain’s Got Talent programme. He danced like he was Michael Flatman from the River people dance troupe.

4. What would have been your dream job?I would have liked to have been Clive Sullivan powering up the wing for Hull FC. Clive, who now has a road named after him in Hull (ironically slower to travel on in a car than he could run) still holds two records for Hull which are: Most tries in a career (250) and most tries in a match (7) against Doncaster on 15 April 1968.

The famous road in Hull. Clive Sullivan Way

5. If you won the lottery tonight, what would be the first thing you’d do?
I would go down to The Cross Keys and pop a few quid in the fruit machine and have a game of Doms. I wouldn’t tell anyone anything about my win!

6. Most useless gadget you own?I think they are all detailed here . . but I would have to admit that someone bought me this and I have never understood what it is

What on earth is this thing ?

7. You’re waiting for someone and they’re late. How late is too late?

Some people I know won’t wait for people for more than two minutes before strolling off and doing their own thing. I have just a little more patience, but only a little.

8. Are you a do it now person, or a it can wait until tomorrow person?I am most definitely a “It can be done by someone else now” type of person

9. If you were a drink, what would you be?

10. What was the first thing you thought when you read these questions?

I thought that Doris Brazil had created a very bizarre way of trying to find out some more information about me. As stated, I feel I have stoked her fire.

Happy Birthday Alfie !

Happy Birthday Alfie !

I couldn’t let today pass without wishing a very Happy Birthday to our very own Alfie Barnett.
Every town should have an Alfie, and the people of Sprodlington are certainly entertained by theirs.
But Alfie struggled through a difficult childhood. Rumour states he was quickly removed from his mother and popped into care on account of his appearance, which resembled both her characteristics and those of her brother; Alfie had a few learning difficulties.
But Alfie battled through and no one is really sure what he did during his life. Alfie tells extraordinary stories of how he once was driving a bus and he had to stop for The Queen whose car had broken down on the way to opening a new East Riding Sacks depot at Bielby. He swears too that he was once working at the local swimming baths and had to count lengths for Sean Connery who was getting fit for a new James Bond movie. Everyone seems happy to let the tales live on.
So, Happy Birthday Alfie and lets hope for many more to come.

The Sandwich Shop – some crumbs of comfort


Quite often I find myself wandering down to The Sandwich Shop at the other end of Sprodlington with my friend  Colin Marshall, the local school history teacher. He calls for me at Templeton’s Hardware store when he has left the pupils in the auspicious care of the Lunchtime Supervisors.

For me  its an enjoyable stroll down through the town as I listen to Colin tell me of the school shenanigans of the morning. Half way down through Sprodlington we always see the lady from the Post Office sitting in the bus shelter reading a book and smoking a roll up. I wonder just how miserable the Post Office must be if someone can deem it enjoyable to find solace in a tired old bus shelter.

Yesterday, there was no sign of Colin, so I took it upon myself to walk alone down through town to see Alan Carter and Stuart Jeffers in their little establishment The Sandwich Shop.  Amongst the Dandelion and Burdock drinks and Apple and Rhubarb flapjacks, both Alan and Stuart endeavour to engage their custom with different levels of success.

Whilst Alan, who has at least ten years seniority to Stuart, has greater success as he asks customers whether “the weather has been kind to them this week?” or  “there’s something nice in store for them for the weekend?”, Stuart has less natural rapport.

Yesterday, ahead of me in the queue, Stuart was quick to realise that the gentleman ordering was Scottish.

“Are you Scottish?” said Stuart

“Yes I am” replied the chap as he watched Stuart layer the ham in his ham salad baguette.

“Do you hate the way that Andy Murray is called British and not Scottish?” Stuart built.

“No, not really” replied  the customer.

“Oh!” said Stuart and then added ” Some cucumber?”

It reminded me of when Stuart met a customer from Brighton.

“I’ve been to Brighton” he said “But I’m not gay or anything.”