The day my world nearly ended

There’s two generations of hard, hard graft and effort behind the successful establishment that is Templetons Hardware, but yesterday’s atrocities nearly broke my world.

I remember the lines from an English lesson many years ago “Heav’n has no Rage, like Love to Hatred turn’d,
Nor Hell a Fury, like a Woman scorn’d.” And yet, in truth nothing could have prepared me for a real life Tsunami leashed upon me from  the revenge of a woman whose advances I’d declined.

My father said to me many years ago when we sat and had tea on an old packing case. “Derek, nothing will take this away from us. Nothing!” And as I looked at him, I promised that I would stand tall against recessions, hardships and difficult periods in life. “Nothing will take this away from us.”

Yet, as I picked up the broken glass and the buckled shelves bent double by the vented spleen of a woman so enraged with  venom, I stood in silence and  listened once again to the voice of my father. The voice that pleaded with me to  keep his name and his  hard work serving the community for a few more years.

And I know that I have no one to pass this store to. I know I have no memory to recall of a time spent sitting on tea-chest with my own son and a shared promise between two. I know that one day Templetons Hardware will be no more.

But for my Father’s sake I will not let this woman close me before my time. Not before I am ready will I lock the door for the final turn. Not until I have thanked every customer who has graced these floorboards will I rest.

You my friends are what keeps me alive. You are my friends; my people; the people I can trust and on whose support I know will always prevail. You my friends will stand with me and say “We beat this wicked woman. We stood together for what is right and what is good. We supported Derek back on his feet and let him stand proud once more. We were the people who made the donations to pay for the new flooring he wanted and the new till and the in store kitchen area with microwave and Dolce Gusto coffee machine. It was us, US, Derek’s friends who lifted his soul.”

Lloyds TSB. Sort code 99-99-93 account number 09746536672.

Thank you my friends.

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Bugger off ! We’re closed !

I’ve been working through the night; forced to take drastic action following the real threat of an invasion from uninvited guests.

Yesterday, Susie Kelly from “Dial a Dog Wash” fame announced to all that she could be coming to Sprodlington to pay me a visit. Now, most people would wait to be invited (perhaps it’s a French thing not to)and in this instance the wait would have been terminal. Inviting yourself, well it’s just rude!

The benefit of being a Hardware shop is that I have lots of boards and wood around. Yesterday, I put both my shop and myself into hiding. I am closed today anyway as it’s Sunday.

Ms Kelly is firstly visiting Doris Brazil in Bovey. I worry though, that in her fragile state of mind, whether Doris will recognise her and if she does whether her mind will retain the information. Doris recently confused herself over which of her customers had a wooden leg!

I hope that by taking my shop into camouflage, its enough to keep Ms Kelly at Doris’ and is a clear message that we are a more selective with our customer base here in Sprodlington.

I am going fishing for the day. I’m not saying where though for fear of being stalked again!

Attracting the celebrities – Please do not touch !

I have been perhaps too open about the state of my marriage to Wendy. It’s true that I was rather annoyed when she invited Tracey back home to live.

For the last couple of months I have been in the spare room. Late night returns from dominoes at The Cross Keys and a penchant for snoring (from which I am awoken by an elbow to the ribs) meant that a semi-permanent base in Tracey’s old room seemed best for all.

When Tracey returned a couple of weeks ago, I refused to move from her old room as she had vacated it in my eyes and I own the house anyway.

So, there are those who follow my ramblings who know the ins and outs of my life and it’s clear that if Derek from Mr and Mrs came knocking; Wendy and I would probably not trouble the scorers.But I appear to have attracted the unwanted attention of a certain individual recently who has taken a very close interest in me.

I first noticed the lady in question asking her friends about Wendy and what they felt about the state of my marriage. She then tried to test my patience a little – clearly testing my boundaries before making a move. And finally became over excited when wrongly believing I had asked her for a drink.

When rebuffed, the lady switched tactics and hinted at a celebrity status, which I found somewhat shameful.

I guess the point is that it’s nice to know that an independent hardware store owner can still attract the ladies, but at the moment this display says “Please do not touch”

Gone wth the Wind – Pass me an air biscuit

Followers of mine on Facebook would have realised that on Friday I banned a lady customer from my little hardware shop for producing a rather dreadful smell. Needless to say I insisted she purchase some air refresher and use it immediately before banning her forthwith.

In my update, naturally I tried to avoid the use of the word “fart” but failed miserably to be clear about what the lady had done as I used the expression “dropped her handbag”

It lead me to investigate what other collection of words could be used to describe this woman’s shameful act.

Let one loose
Rasp
Shart
Drop a stink bomb
Toot
Cutting the cheese
Sneaky stinky
Drop a smelly
Poot
Queef
Blow a nasty
Air biscuit
Barking Spider
Cut a muffin
Laid an egg :
Launch a loaf :
Loud But Proud,
Let Polly out of jail
Low rider
Rip a juicy one
Playing the colonic calliope
Taking up residence in Beantown
Stealth bombers
There must be a duck in here

Short Changed

Now I don’t even like Dave Threadmere – I never have. Ever since the rumours started about him and the dogging car park towards the Wolds. But in truth I have always been prepared to take his money. Today I took too much.

A GearWrench 7/16 inch and 1/2 inch quad box wrench is not your run of the mill tool, and as such he would not have known the ticket price.

As it stands I have an extra £7 of his rattling in my pocket and not a lot of conscience. Silly Bugger.

A right ol’ Birthday bash

I should start by thanking all my close friends for their warmest best wishes this week for my birthday, but it seems that not everyone in Sprodlington has Derek Templeton at the top of their list !

Earlier in the week I had an egg posted through the letterbox of Templeton’s Hardware which Wendy nearly slpped on when she opened the shop. Now, I know I said I had sacked her but the late night domino session at The Cross Keys the night before had got a little out of hand and I needed a bit of time in the morning to clear my head. Wendy was sent to open up.

Later that day a couple of urchins popped in to ask if we sold eggs and I was quick to give one a cuff round the ear, like my Dad (God rest his soul) did to me. But the lad ran home and told his father.

I spent the next morning hiding from Malcolm Chadwell, who promised to give to me what I had given his son. Initially he left the shop, only to surprise me later when the nearest thing I could find to protect myself was a fly swot. Too little too late. As my friend Helen says – if only it was electric!

So, only Wendy and a beef stew returned a little happiness to my Birthday this week. But I will get my revenge of Malcolm Sodding Chadwell.