Christmas time and the drinks flow (and flow)


“I’ve got a great idea on how to boost the number of customers we get through the door Jason.”  I said to PC Tucknott as we talked through the leisurely pace of takings in the store this week.

Jason appeared keen to learn.

” We’re going to spread a little Christmas cheer through Sprodlington.”  I continued.  “We’ll get festive and share the goodwill of Templeton’s Hardware to our loyal and new customers.”

Jason wondered whether that included the scatty old dears from the RSPB next door, but with plans to close them down and extend Templeton’s square footage, I thought they were best left alone.

“Listen Jason” I dictated, showing the assertiveness of a leader of a “high performing team” (something I read on the DIYweek website!)  I’m going to bring in Colin for half a day to help you and whilst I’m off fishing, I want you to be creative.”

I thought Colin deserved a chance.  His recent trouser antics with his elephant impressions (he turns out his trouser pockets for the ears – I don’t need to go on) has seen him barred from most shops and all the pubs in the town.  I thought he would repay me for putting him up at my house for a couple of days with some honest labour.

When I returned from three hours of my best endeavors to  attract some Bream to my Templeton dinner table I found Colin sitting on his arse behind the tills singing “Do they know its Christmas.”

“Where’s Tucknott you retard?” I snapped. “I can’t believe I trusted you.”

He pointed to the staff room and belched.

And there he was. Slouched on the table dressed as Santa.

“We did Festive drinks” he said.

“You’re a twat” I grunted. “Now sod off”