Christ, It’s Barry Wardhup !

Barry Wardhup walked into my shop today with a swagger and a little skip. (I thought the skip looked stupid, but I was so amazed to see Barry after all these months that I neither commented or laughed.

“Barry, where have you been?” I said.

It had  been 5 months since Barry had closed “Barry’s Bits and Bobs” and scampered off without telling a soul where he was going.

“Del-boy, My Man!” he belted “How’s it hanging?”

Barry has never called me Del-boy and has never asked me and how things are hanging –  ever.

“Barry, stop being a twat and tell me where you’ve been,” I continued, trying to get to the point. I was trying to keep  one eye on Dave Threadwell who was  eyeing up a small pot of varnish in the corner and was wearing his big coat.  I had my suspicions but without PC Tucknott’s extra eyes these days, I have to watch my own stock.

“Dez, I’ve been meeting the real me,” he said.  “I’ve been exploring the deeper inner  motivations behind my key life choices.”

“You’ve been talking bollocks more like,” I coughed, wiping the coffee decorating my chin. “What deeper inner motivations did you find ? The one that reminded you that you didn’t want to pay your bills ?”

“Del – Breath.  Take a chill pill.  Push back those waves and smell the arabica beans,” he said  “Let’s just  . . .”

“Barry, are you buying something today ?” I interrupted. “I’ve just realised that I haven’t missed you one little bit !”

“And , Threadwell – don’t even think about it !”