Getting into the Jubillee spirit

I gave PC Tucknott an opportunity to show me a little entrepreneurial spirit.

“Tucknott, do me some flags which we can sell for the Golden Jubilee.  We’ll display them by the till and they’ll work as an impulse purchase.”

For those not in the know,  retailers deliberately place products we feel you may  spontaneously buy at the checkout, just so you add-on the purchase  at the end. Like a little treat.

“Dat’s de biz idea Tempo !” shouted Tucknott, who still seems intent of using this street kid talk.  “Them’s all gonna want de Queenie and dat !”

“Just do the flags  Tucknott please.”  I said.   I got him some pens and paper and took a few sticks from the fuchsias outside.  I sat him down and left him for forty minutes.  The shop had a little flurry: a few screws, a couple of door handles and a tub of Swarfega were popped into paper bags as the till sang its merry tunes.

“I’ve done one for Prince Charles of Wales”  shouted Tucknott.  “He can wave them with his kids.”  I balanced the downside of Tucknott’s stupidity with the upside that the gangsta talk appeared to have been forgotten.

“That’s good Tucknott”  said I as trying hard to muster a  smile.  “But can you so me some of the Union Jack please and  I want 30 by lunchtime.”

Advertisements

Templeton’s Topiary

Last night,  a strange old lady called Susie recommended that I might take up topiary.  I laughed along and joked, knowing that she had no idea that I am actually quite good at hedge shaping.  But, Susie gave me an idea . . “Random acts of topiary”

Here’s the idea.  I visit random houses and without being seen,  snip away a suitable design completely by surprise!  A bit like that crop circle lark a couple of year’s back.

Tonight I visited Molly Pope’s house on Bryant Way and with a slight change to her mushroom design, I created my first masterpiece  “Meat and two veg!”

I’m rather proud of that one !

Trim and Proper shuts down!

There was uproar in Sprodlington as “Trim and Proper” the new Gents’ Barbers, shut its doors less than 3 weeks after opening.

Marc Duvall (I don’t think that’s his real name) arrived in Sprodlington from Australia earlier in the year with claims of having run a successful business just outside Sydney.  Most of the people of Sprodington either cut their own hair or go and see Joe Harper  in his creatively named “Harper Barber Shop”

However, nine year-old Josh Samforth whose Mum Tina works in Pretty Petals the florists, persuaded her to take him to see Marc. She brought him into my shop just after they had fled his seat after Marc has started  to “just tidy up with a No 5 all over.”

Clearly Marc Duvall is more used to shearing sheep, and after taking Josh’s photo, I sent the little lad down to Joes to see what he could do with the dreadful situation!

PC Tucknott the Urban Warrior

PC Tucknott was chatting to Stevie Watts outside the shop this morning.

“Wos crackin’ Tucknott?  Yoos deep man, and I’m jus ya dawg.”

“That’s foreal Stevie,” says Tucknott or PCT as he now wants to be called. “No half steppin’, and I’m just a lil playa!”

“Ha ! Right yeah” goes Stevie  “You no fly guy – you fakin’ jacks”

“Easy” says PCT “Don’t dis me ‘coz ma crew will clock ya.”

“Yeah, I’m throwing bolos!”  Stevie adds.

I walked outside.

“Tucknott, get in here and stop talking like a bloody idiot or I’ll phone your Mum”

“Enough said!”

“Ask Derek !” – a NEW 24 hour service !

Derek Templeton (that’s me) is going plural !

Having been inundated with requests for membership of the online dating consultancy “Templeton’s Temptations” I have realised that I have sold myself considerably short. I’ve been far too limited with my reach to help the population of Britain, France and in fact the world. For that reason I have decided to launch “Ask Derek!”

I have such a diverse span of interests and knowledge. Recently I have been asked fashion advice from a lady living in France; a young student also asked my advice for an essay on the theatre and of course I am continually overwhelmed with questions about relationships.

“Ask Derek !” is a new 24 hour service* where people are free to ask me any question and I will do my best to provide an answer. It could be advice about a relationship, or a fashion style. Perhaps a meal and wine combination or a question about which animals deserve to be saved first in priority order. The choice is yours. (It’s a bit like Ask Jeeves, but better and without adverts).

Initially “Ask Derek !” will be a free service with no subscription charge and adds to a growing list of services offered from the expanding Derek Templeton Corporation. “Ask Derek !” is available through Facebook and also Twitter @derektempleton1

  • Hardware Stores – Templeton’s Hardware, Sprodlington
  • Care in the Community – currently mentoring PC Tucknott, Sprodlington’s Special Counstable.
  • Creative inspiration – source of shop names in “The Stillness of Time Travel” by AJ Maddicott
  • Relationship Counselling – Templeton’s Temptations
  • 24 hour* advice service – The NEW “Ask Derek !” service.

Derek Templeton

*there are no guarantees that I will be answering questions 24 hours a day. Whilst they can be asked 24 hours a day – I will answer them when I get around to it.

 

Sometimes you have to be honest . .

Yesterday afternoon I collected my Farah trousers from the dry cleaners. Some may recall that when I took them in recently, Molly Pope declared loudly “There’s rather a large stain on the front, Mr Templeton.”

Molly’s reasoning for this outburst was that she had not been selected to join Templetons Temptations – my new one to one dating consultancy. Applicants have to send in an up to date photo and if I think I can help them, they take me for a meal at a pre selected restaurant.  Here I help them with tips and advice on how to be more attractive to men.  I am an expert since I read the free bits from “Pandora’s Box”.

Molly clearly wanted, and needed help.  But I had to be honest and tell her there was nothing really anyone could do.  Now, my followers know I have a good heart and I had already decided that when I turn an application down, I still wanted to help if I could.  Therefore, unlucky applicants either get a voucher towards the cost of dental treatment or a free face mask.

I tried to be kind to Molly.

“You know what Molly,” I said as she looked towards me in a slightly menacing way.  “I usually only give ladies either the dental voucher or the face mask.  But in your case I want to make a generous exception as you need both.”

“F**k Off Derek.”  Molly shouted (I apologise for the language) “And try and not p*ss on your trousers in future.”

Norman beats the hosepipe ban.

Norman Mingett came to see me the other week. We’ve been  friends for ages, but have been in touch less since he moved to Lincolnshire to be closer to his daughter Margaret.

“You know they’ve gone and given us a hose pipe ban down there, Derek”  Norman rasped.

“Well you moved to Lincolnshire, Norman.”  I replied.  “And it’ll be warmer there!”

“But I’ve just  got an allotment and a need to water my tomatoes, Derek!”

I glanced around the shop and caught sight of  five watering cans homing a few webs that in turn were homing a few spiders.

“Norman, I’ll do you a deal.” I said  – having first quickly worked out what a 25% increase was on £11.99 .  “I’ll do you a four and one free deal on those watering cans and that way you can fill them at home and drive them to the allotment!”

“You’re a genius Derek.”

I think we both agreed on that point.

And so, off Norman went with his five watering cans which he now fills from home with water and drives to his allotment.

It was lovely to see him.