Living in a Virtual World – My friends part 1.

In reality,  I own my Hardware store in the East Yorkshire market town of Sprodlington and make an honest living (with a bit of poetic license now and again).

A couple of years ago, PC Tucknott, my part-time worker at Templeton’s Hardware told me about Facebook, a place where you can meet interesting new friends. Well I certainly have collected a variety of characters with quirks and intricacies to add interest to my everyday and mundane life.

Joanna – a collector of greyhound Christmas greeting cards. I’m still not sure whether they are cards for lovers of greyhounds, or cards you send to greyhounds.

Jo – a pure expert of wonky angled pictures of sunsets taken on beaches: smiling at life with an eye out for a gathering and glass of something special.

Alison – a tickling balance of someone who can find time to take wonderful pictures of her children, but then just keeps  enough time back to find someone to leave them with.

Zoe – is Zoe ! A pretty lady with an anger for neighbours, parking tickets and a love of Dallas and a footballer called Clarke Carlisle.

Judi – just a friend for everyone. The sort of person who adds a smile to your day, and at the same time might not realise she has been shortchanged.

Mable –  a box of frogs if ever one existed.

Yvonne – is Yvonne ! Unique and lovely.

To my new-found friends – I salute you with an early morning cup of tea.

Come on Mitch – Man up!

Those who have followed my trials and tribulations recently will have realised (and perhaps sympathised with me),  as not only do I have to live  with my monstrosity of a daughter, but now also “Mitch the boyfriend”.

My wife Wendy thinks it’s all fabulous. Tracey and her act like sisters and Mitch just does what he’s told.  He’s sent for the  birthday cards they forgot to buy;  for the milk they forgot to stop for on the way home; and for the lottery tickets just in case its our turn for the rollover.  “Ooh wouldn’t that be nice Derek, we could all go on a Cruise!”  (I’d launch a life boat someone near Crete with a handful of cash though).

Most recently Mitch has been making spontaneous impulse purchase whilst on his last-minute missions.  Last night he came back from Sainsbury, where he had been sent to collect some nail varnish remover and Head and Shoulders Shampoo.  He returned with his selections but also some vanilla candles and some pink suff for the toilet. “I thought these would be rather nice Wendy.  You keep such a lovely home and I thought these fitted nicely with the warmth and sentiment you share.”

“You stupid arse!” I mumbled. “You stupid arse!”

Doreen Baldock joins Templeton’s Hardware

Doreen Baldock joins Templeton’s Hardware

Official Press Release


Derek Templeton, Managing Director or Templeton’s Hardware, Sprodlington, East Yorkshire is delighted to announce that he has appointed Doreen Baldock to the role of part-time Sales Executive.

Templeton’s is a thriving Hardware store in the expanding market-town of Sprodlington and as a result of Derek Templeton’s entrepreneurship, sales have driven forward strongly and the new role of part-time Sales Executive has been introduced.

Derek Templeton welcomes Doreen to his team. She bring a wealth of experience from Customer Service team leader at Jobson’s Woodchips, and more recently as Administrator at Sprodlington library. Doreen joins PC Tucknott who’s hours have been reduced to enable him to complete his Community Service Order, following his much publicised altercation with one of the local scouts – he maintains his innocence.


Thinking of Audrey


Earlier this week I shared the news that Audrey Bishop was going to hospital for some lady work. It’s not an area about which I claim to have any expertise, but she’s had something removed.  When the item  removed was explained to me in greater detail, it sounded like a sort of inner handbag, but for carrying children.

Anyway, I thought I’d tell you a little bit about Audrey to help empathise better with her during her recovery – the good news from the hospital is that it all went well and her husband  Dennis has already been to visit with her favourite treat – half a pound of Strawberry Bon Bons. She likes those and Pontefract Cakes.

Audrey runs the Audrey Bishop School of Music here in Sprodlington. She’s always keen to point our that its not a music shop selling intruments like tubas, clarinets and the such, but a School of Music where she teaches singing and the playing of instruments.  Audrey has expertise in classical and pop singing and piano, violin (and the bigger violin type instruments), traditional squeeze box and tambourine.

Audrey’s successes are first class.  Katie Pumford, for example, has passed her Grade 8 pop singing and the Sprodlington Post was quick to applaud Audrey on Katie’s achievement.  It doesn’t seem six months ago that Katie, who suffers an appalling stammer and could hardly speak without choking on her words,  failed to even get started on her favourite song by The Police – De Do Do Do.  But, as Audrey said to Katie, “Look how well Roger Daltry did with his stammer when he was talking about his G, G, G, G, Generation”.

So, get well soon Audrey.  We hope to see you back home really soon and we’ll make sure Dennis learns how to boil the kettle to make you tea.