Templeton’s launch brand new range of Hardware Jewellery




jewellry1Templeton’s Hardware are excited to announce their latest brilliant venture “Hardware Jewellery”.  Managing Director and Creative Guru, Derek Templeton said  “This exciting launch brings together months of creative design and planning.  We fully expect to be overwhelmed with demand.”

Templeton’s Hardware has been at the cutting edge of the retail sector for years under the entrepreneurship and dynamic leadership that is Derek Templeton.  Derek explains  “In a market where consumers have less money and are more selective, I had the brain wave to link hardware and luxury altogether under one roof.”  Supported in-store by fellow members of his newly formed Buying Committee, Derek explained that both Doreen Baldock and PC Tucknott had creative input.  “Doreen wears jewellery and was able to help with the design and PC Tucknott chose the string.”

Derek explains that its easy to get started.  “We have a carefully selected range of bits of piping and nuts and bolts, none of which have come from in-store damages, or job-lots.”


“Our shoppers can mix and match and then wait whilst Doreen or PC Tucknott assemble their own design.  There is a small incremental  charge if the shopper wants help with the design and you would expect from a design studio such as ours.”   Derek explains that the turnaround time is quick.  “The advantage of having PC Tucknott involved is that he gained experience of knot tying when he was a scout leader, before the “scout in a headlock incident”, which he has now put behind him.”

Prices start from £19.99 and are an ideal New Year’s Day present. There is an introductory £1 off offer for orders of 5 or more.


“There’s wee on the toilet seat.”

I’m not sure whether Sir Alan Sugar has to cope with what I deal with and if he is a Sir, then I must be worthy of a Lordy thingy. Let me explain why.

A few months ago, Doreen joined Templeton’s Hardware from the local library to work alongside PC Tucknott.  Her initial hours were to cover Tucknott’s absence as he cleared through his community service order (300 hours) for the Scout in a headlock incident. But I have kept her on since as more women come into the shop now and the sales of Marigold Gloves have risen 50%.

Tucknott and Doreen knew each other before she joined the ranks  In fact I’m led to believe that Doreen used to baby sit for Tucknott when he was a youngster.  She is certainly quick to remind him of the fact when they have an argument; asking him whether he still sleeps with “Mr Fluff” – I haven’t asked.

When Doreen started work, I made some changes to make her feel welcome.  I made sure our little kitchen area was clean and I added some limited edition East Yorkshire Pansies to the window sills to add a bit of colour, which I know ladies like.  I sprayed the staff area with “Lavender Mist” and added a small radio which I tuned to Radio 2.   I had done well.   In one further gesture I changed the toilet seat, which to be honest had taken on a jaundiced yellow appearance in patches and I added a lock to the toilet door.

But the toilet seems to have caused issues from Day One. For obvious reasons Tucknott and myself have become conditionally trained to leave the toilet seat in an upright position.  I have never felt comfortable doing No 2’s at work – I think that’s a carry-over from my schooldays, but I am over that now.  In fact, when Doreen started and I changed the toilet seat, I found it  was stuck rigid in its erect position anyway.

Doreen complained about the new toilet seat being left upright.  Tucknott and I ignored her to start with, but Doreen then started to shout as she left the little room oblivious to whether we had customers in the shop or not.

“Someone’s left the toilet seat up!” she would shout.  “Derek, we need to talk about why the toilet seat is being left up. It’s discriminatory.”

I told Tucknott that we ought to make an effort to lower the seat after our visits.

Tucknott heard the bit about the need for the toilet seat being  down, but ignored the bit about lifting it in the first place.  The next day I was in the middle of handing Terry Brevitt  his change for three door locks when Doreen stormed out of the toilet.

“Someone’s wet on the toilet seat, Derek.”  I  froze.  “Would the person responsible for wetting the toilet seat please come now and clear it up. I’m waiting !”

“Tucknott !” I hollered. “Go and clear that up now and then wash your hands.”

He dropped his head and sloped off to see Doreen.

Doreen returned on the Friday after two days off and the morning started quietly. But a storm was brewing:  Tucknott was biding his time and announced that he was off to the toilet.  There was a pause and then he stormed out of the toilet.

“Doreen’s pissed all over the toilet seat !”  he shouted.

“Tucknott !  Unacceptable language in my shop !”   I checked around for customers.  There were none.

“Doreen, have you pissed all over the toilet seat ?”  I couldn’t believe what I was asking 48 year-old Mum of two.

“She has, T !” added Tucknott. “It’s disgusting in here, tell her to wipe it up.”

“I’m going on my lunch, Mr Templeton,” announced Doreen. “This is ridiculous.”

I was left with no option but to don the Marigolds and clean it up myself.

“Right, Tucknott,” I said. “Its clean in there now, you can go to the toilet.”

“I don’t need to now,” he said.

Me and my Big Mouth !

Well at least now I know that someone who reads this blog, or is an acquaintance of mine on Facebook has contacts in my small market town of Sprodlington.

A few weeks ago I told you all about Dave Threadmere and how I was gloating about how I had short-changed him for a 7/16 inch and 1/2 inch quad box wrench.

I’d only just popped out tonight for a quick pint of Bishop’s Pizzle in The Cross Keys, when I walked past Devonshire Terrace –  a group of skanky, pebble-dashed, caravan-front-drivewayed, dog-on-a-bit-of-string, rusty metal gate archway type houses.

“Templeton you little shit !” shouted Threadmere as he stormed out of his garage and up his driveway.

“Evening Dave” I answered, looking for somewhere to run.

“You shafted me for that wrench.”

“I may have inadvertently slightly over-charged you on a temporary basis.” I said “But that’s why I’m here – I’ve brought your change.”

“Yeah right!”

Now, I might not have been too clever with my next line.

“Well why  on earth  would I be walking up this God-forsaken road ?  It’s a hole”

And at that point I watched Dave change colour and tighten his fists in rage.

“Anyway,” I garbled. “Here’s your change !”

I fumbled for anything I could find in my back pocket and threw him a £20 note.

“Sorry Dave – Keep the change.”

What an absolute Twat !

When “No” means “No” say the good folk of Sprodlington

Well God Bless the lovely folk of Sprodlington for rallying around and getting Templetons Hardware open again for business.

The little town was stunned by the shameful trashing of our family shop, just because I rebuffed the unwanted attention of an overly keen lady.

Sprodlington wanted to send a message – just to make it very very clear.

The day my world nearly ended

There’s two generations of hard, hard graft and effort behind the successful establishment that is Templetons Hardware, but yesterday’s atrocities nearly broke my world.

I remember the lines from an English lesson many years ago “Heav’n has no Rage, like Love to Hatred turn’d,
Nor Hell a Fury, like a Woman scorn’d.” And yet, in truth nothing could have prepared me for a real life Tsunami leashed upon me from  the revenge of a woman whose advances I’d declined.

My father said to me many years ago when we sat and had tea on an old packing case. “Derek, nothing will take this away from us. Nothing!” And as I looked at him, I promised that I would stand tall against recessions, hardships and difficult periods in life. “Nothing will take this away from us.”

Yet, as I picked up the broken glass and the buckled shelves bent double by the vented spleen of a woman so enraged with  venom, I stood in silence and  listened once again to the voice of my father. The voice that pleaded with me to  keep his name and his  hard work serving the community for a few more years.

And I know that I have no one to pass this store to. I know I have no memory to recall of a time spent sitting on tea-chest with my own son and a shared promise between two. I know that one day Templetons Hardware will be no more.

But for my Father’s sake I will not let this woman close me before my time. Not before I am ready will I lock the door for the final turn. Not until I have thanked every customer who has graced these floorboards will I rest.

You my friends are what keeps me alive. You are my friends; my people; the people I can trust and on whose support I know will always prevail. You my friends will stand with me and say “We beat this wicked woman. We stood together for what is right and what is good. We supported Derek back on his feet and let him stand proud once more. We were the people who made the donations to pay for the new flooring he wanted and the new till and the in store kitchen area with microwave and Dolce Gusto coffee machine. It was us, US, Derek’s friends who lifted his soul.”

Lloyds TSB. Sort code 99-99-93 account number 09746536672.

Thank you my friends.

Bugger off ! We’re closed !

I’ve been working through the night; forced to take drastic action following the real threat of an invasion from uninvited guests.

Yesterday, Susie Kelly from “Dial a Dog Wash” fame announced to all that she could be coming to Sprodlington to pay me a visit. Now, most people would wait to be invited (perhaps it’s a French thing not to)and in this instance the wait would have been terminal. Inviting yourself, well it’s just rude!

The benefit of being a Hardware shop is that I have lots of boards and wood around. Yesterday, I put both my shop and myself into hiding. I am closed today anyway as it’s Sunday.

Ms Kelly is firstly visiting Doris Brazil in Bovey. I worry though, that in her fragile state of mind, whether Doris will recognise her and if she does whether her mind will retain the information. Doris recently confused herself over which of her customers had a wooden leg!

I hope that by taking my shop into camouflage, its enough to keep Ms Kelly at Doris’ and is a clear message that we are a more selective with our customer base here in Sprodlington.

I am going fishing for the day. I’m not saying where though for fear of being stalked again!

Short Changed

Now I don’t even like Dave Threadmere – I never have. Ever since the rumours started about him and the dogging car park towards the Wolds. But in truth I have always been prepared to take his money. Today I took too much.

A GearWrench 7/16 inch and 1/2 inch quad box wrench is not your run of the mill tool, and as such he would not have known the ticket price.

As it stands I have an extra £7 of his rattling in my pocket and not a lot of conscience. Silly Bugger.

A right ol’ Birthday bash

I should start by thanking all my close friends for their warmest best wishes this week for my birthday, but it seems that not everyone in Sprodlington has Derek Templeton at the top of their list !

Earlier in the week I had an egg posted through the letterbox of Templeton’s Hardware which Wendy nearly slpped on when she opened the shop. Now, I know I said I had sacked her but the late night domino session at The Cross Keys the night before had got a little out of hand and I needed a bit of time in the morning to clear my head. Wendy was sent to open up.

Later that day a couple of urchins popped in to ask if we sold eggs and I was quick to give one a cuff round the ear, like my Dad (God rest his soul) did to me. But the lad ran home and told his father.

I spent the next morning hiding from Malcolm Chadwell, who promised to give to me what I had given his son. Initially he left the shop, only to surprise me later when the nearest thing I could find to protect myself was a fly swot. Too little too late. As my friend Helen says – if only it was electric!

So, only Wendy and a beef stew returned a little happiness to my Birthday this week. But I will get my revenge of Malcolm Sodding Chadwell.


Best wishes to Beryl and Gerry

My best wishes to two of my favourite customers Beryl and Gerry Frampton who lost their dog Smudge a couple of weeks ago.  The Framptons live a few doors away from me in Sprodlington, and whilst it is true to say that Smudge was a vocal dog who spent the evenings and nights awake  in his kennel, his loss leaves them clearly sad and the evenings quieter.

I had only just sold them a new kennel, which we  had especially ordered through a local mail order firm.  And a new dog basket.

Beryl explained the other day that Smudge was found in his kennel dead one night with no explanation .” He was only two” she said.

Templeton branches out !

I think its fair to say that Wendy did an OK fair job running Templeton’s Hardware whilst I was away, but I am not convinced that she has full extracted full value for the business.

This morning, I decided to remove Wendy from her role with a  pay off totalling a significant virtual sum. I then decided that she would kindly return the funds to the company in the form of an interest free loan.

I am now ready to share my business expansion plans which will take Sprodlington to a whole new world.