Come on Mitch – Man up!

Those who have followed my trials and tribulations recently will have realised (and perhaps sympathised with me),  as not only do I have to live  with my monstrosity of a daughter, but now also “Mitch the boyfriend”.

My wife Wendy thinks it’s all fabulous. Tracey and her act like sisters and Mitch just does what he’s told.  He’s sent for the  birthday cards they forgot to buy;  for the milk they forgot to stop for on the way home; and for the lottery tickets just in case its our turn for the rollover.  “Ooh wouldn’t that be nice Derek, we could all go on a Cruise!”  (I’d launch a life boat someone near Crete with a handful of cash though).

Most recently Mitch has been making spontaneous impulse purchase whilst on his last-minute missions.  Last night he came back from Sainsbury, where he had been sent to collect some nail varnish remover and Head and Shoulders Shampoo.  He returned with his selections but also some vanilla candles and some pink suff for the toilet. “I thought these would be rather nice Wendy.  You keep such a lovely home and I thought these fitted nicely with the warmth and sentiment you share.”

“You stupid arse!” I mumbled. “You stupid arse!”

Advertisements

When children won’t leave home . .

Starting when she was very young, I tried to show my daughter Tracey that she was not a particularly welcome addition to the Templeton household.

Her arrival, nine months after either a power-cut or my birthday (I forget which because both have proved equally exciting over the years) was akin to a late tax-demand from the Inland Revenue, or finding that someone had activated an automatic subscription renewal for a purchase you  didn’t want in the first place.

I told Tracey she was named after an American actor, Spencer Tracy and that both he and I recognised that alcohol was clearly an option to numb the pain;  his to hide the guilt of a deaf son and mine to regret  . . full stop.

I did hold a party around the time of Tracey’s 21st. Not to celebrate her birthday, but instead to celebrate she had moved out. I forgot to invite her anyway. But like a bad smell (and she does have that too) she has returned to haunt me as part of the deal when my wife negotiated her own return. I had to agree to accept Tracey back if she requested  –  it took one day for that request to be made.

I now find myself sleeping on the sofa, with Wendy lying diagonally in our matrimonial room, and Tracey back in her own bed. To date, the scattering of dog fleas and itching powder in her snore-pit have failed to move her on and I am left pondering my next steps . .

Sometimes you have to be honest . .

Yesterday afternoon I collected my Farah trousers from the dry cleaners. Some may recall that when I took them in recently, Molly Pope declared loudly “There’s rather a large stain on the front, Mr Templeton.”

Molly’s reasoning for this outburst was that she had not been selected to join Templetons Temptations – my new one to one dating consultancy. Applicants have to send in an up to date photo and if I think I can help them, they take me for a meal at a pre selected restaurant.  Here I help them with tips and advice on how to be more attractive to men.  I am an expert since I read the free bits from “Pandora’s Box”.

Molly clearly wanted, and needed help.  But I had to be honest and tell her there was nothing really anyone could do.  Now, my followers know I have a good heart and I had already decided that when I turn an application down, I still wanted to help if I could.  Therefore, unlucky applicants either get a voucher towards the cost of dental treatment or a free face mask.

I tried to be kind to Molly.

“You know what Molly,” I said as she looked towards me in a slightly menacing way.  “I usually only give ladies either the dental voucher or the face mask.  But in your case I want to make a generous exception as you need both.”

“F**k Off Derek.”  Molly shouted (I apologise for the language) “And try and not p*ss on your trousers in future.”

Wow! What a launch for Templeton’s Temptations

I wonder whether Dyson realised just how big his vacuum thing was when he invented it?  Well I think I have something just as exciting with Templeton’s Temptations, my new personal one to one coaching advice service for helping ladies understand their gentlemen friends better.

Already I have been swamped with requests about what clothes ladies should wear on a first date, or what questions they should ask.

I’ve even had ladies fighting over their membership numbers !

What a launch !!!

Templeton’s Temptations – A Lover’s Guide

I am today announcing the impending launch of Templeton’s Temptations.

It should be clear to all that since reading “Pandora’s Box” I have found the key to unlock a woman’s natural desire.  Through my Facebook page I literally have queues of women wanting to get to know me better. Some are new, like Mable who find it difficult to hide their strong emotional attraction to me, whilst others who have lived abroad are even returning back to the UK –  just  to be a little closer.

I’ve decided to share my wisdom and charm to help other less fortunate souls than myself through my new venture Templeton’s Temptations.

Templeton’s Temptations is a bespoke dating service where I will personally help and coach lonely single women to understand how best to make themselves appealing to the opposite sex. By simply sending in a quality photograph I will be able to see whether I can help you, and then for the small cost of an evening meal and some travel expenses, I will coach you on a one to one basis in a restaurant of my choice in the finer art of attracting men.

If, having received your photo I can see that we cannot significantly help you at Templeton’s Temptations we will immediately return your photograph (providing it was sent in a SAE)  immediately with either a voucher for some dental treatment or a facial scrub depending on which we feel will best suit you.

For Gentlemen, we have a small booklet for the price of £35 which has some exclusive do’s and don’ts.

Please contact me through my Facebook page for more information.

How to attract Ladies. My key to success.

I’m becoming quite an expert at how to get Ladies to be attracted to me. But it’s been quite a journey of learning.

The problem I had was too many Ladies wanted to be friends with me. According to an American insight “Pandora’s Box – How to unlock a woman’s box”.  I had been trying to unlock these boxes with the wrong key. In effect I had been trying to “start a car with a house key” they said. Amazing, I never knew !

Now, I know how to decode women and understand “totally how to blow their minds dude” according to the insight. I just needed to know the 3 simple steps to understand which type of woman I am trying “to get addicted to me.” It’s easy and I now know how to use this powerful system.

Well, I say I now know how to use the powerful system. Actually I haven’t paid the $197 fee for the final videos which gives me the exact steps, but I think I know enough already to save making a payment.  I have therefore  written my own three steps.

I’ve started work already on specific target ladies – just to see if my steps are working. I think it’s clear they are. I am already breaking down the “false denial” stage where women deliberately give out the wrong signals: signals that suggest they are not interested when clearly they really are.

So, watch out Ladies, Derek’s coming to town and you won’t know why you want him – but you will.

Speed Dating – a time I’d rather forget

The rain lashed onto the windscreen of my car as I drove into Beverley last Thursday. Each swish of the windscreen wipers removed the layer of water in the same way perhaps as I was trying to remove a layer from my life.

In recent weeks I had used Social Network sites like Facebook to meet new people, but when one of my new friends suddenly invented a pretend boyfriend, not only did my attempts to laugh off the hurt fail, but I realised I had to be bolder and braver and just maybe take myself into a situation where I felt uncomfortable.

A new shirt sat underneath an equally new tie and the effects of my liberal dousing of D.R Harris’ best Sandalwood aftershave resulted in  stinging tears falling  from my eyes, and I contemplated turning for home. Derek Templeton – No 9 (said my badge) – Speed dating at The Red Dragon, Beverley. I was a couple of minutes late as a braked somewhat sharply to the side of a road and sent a puddle of  water back into the air. It  soaked three ladies standing together on the pavement. Meet speed daters No 2, No 7 and No 11.

Perhaps I should tell you how speed dating works. Simply, there are equal numbers of women and men and after an introduction from your host for the evening, the couples dance their way through 10 minutes of ritual cliché chit-chat until its time to move on. At the end of the evening each date hands in a card with ticks against who they would like to see again and if there’s a match – contact details are provided.

We were taken into a room with tables spread evenly across a sticky floor; no doubt a cocktail of Bacardi Breezers and someone’s pint from the night before. The lights were dimmed and Lionel Richie was introduced through a slight cackle and hiss from the speakers. “All Night Long” seemed a threat rather than a promise to me, and I would be lying if I said I didn’t glance around the room of ladies looking for Wendy.

In my preparation for the evening I had asked my friends for advice. Susie Kelly said “Don’t Go” and Zoe Mumford (her with the pretend boyfriend) said “Wear a heavy disguise”.  I looked neat and  smart. I thought I’d taken more care than the other gentlemen who had come for this special evening “for the more distinguished and older single from East Yorkshire”. One chap came out of the toilets still doing up his zip. I immediately crossed him off my  competition list.

The whole event didn’t go well. Ladies No’s 2, 7 and 11 were not interested in my apologies for literally dampening their evening. I realised shortly into the first date that describing all of Wendy’s best qualities and asking if she had the same, was not the winning formula. Someone told me to make sure I asked open questions. “Open questions using What, Why, How, When and Who will always get a response.”

“So, what do you have to offer?” I asked.

Silence.

I remember asking another if she ate normally or was one of those strange Veggies.  I got no response and when the last lady stood up two minutes into our date, put on her coat and walked out, I realised too it was time for me to go. I didn’t put any ticks against any numbers when I handed my card in. I felt at least that way I would have a perfect match.

The rain was still pouring down outside. I turned on the car stereo and Radio Humberside did their best to entertain me on the way home. But as the windscreen wipers wiped away  the rain I too wanted them to wipe away this evening and the memory.