Doreen Baldock’s horrible mince-pies


“Mr Templeton, I’ve got a lovely idea for winning customers over”  said Doreen on Saturday.  “I can make some mince pies.”

“My Mum used to make mince pies”  piped PC Tucknott  “But they tasted shit !”

“Tucknott.  I will not tolerate language like that in the shop and if your Mum heard you speak like that she would clip you round the ear.”

“Sorry Tempo.”

“Don’t call me Tempo, Tucknott.” He did it on purpose when I tried to be authoritative.

“Right Doreen” I continued. “You can certainly make mince pies for the customers, but in your own time.”

This morning, Doreen plonked an Aldi shopping bag on the counter.  Contained within was a Tupperware box with 17 mince pies.

“I wanted to do 20, Mr Templeton, but Archie my cat jumped up and licked three” explained Doreen. ” I wasn’t quite sure which ones he licked, but I took three out.  Would you like to try one ?”

” I won’t right now, thank you Doreen.  I’ve only just had breakfast.”  I lied.

Doreen found a plate from the kitchen and displayed the mince pies in a formation leading to one solitary pie balancing precariously on the top.

“It seems a shame to spoil the display, Mr Templeton.  Where shall I put the plate?”

I pointed to a space near the till  and  watched  Doreen place a plastic sprig of holly on top.  Tucknott was marking up the price of driveway salt following the weekend’s sharp snap.

Charlie Duggan was our first customer of the morning.  He runs his own motor repair workshop creatively called “Duggan’s Motors” and was after some WD40. He  had run out because  Tommy his apprentice had forgotten to order any.  Charlie hates paying me retail for something he should be buying cheaper. It puts him in a foul mood and makes me laugh.

“Morning Charlie” said Doreen taking the WD4o and placing it in a brown paper bag.  “Would you like a mince-pie?  It’s my own recipe.”

Charlie looked disdainfully as the plastic holly rolled spontaneously from the plate and onto the floor by his feet.  He nodded and picked one up wondering if that really was a star shape on the top.

“Mr Templeton thought it would be lovely to thank our customers with a little mince-pie.”  Doreen did a horrible little curtsey thing.  It was bollocks and I had never said such rubbish.

Charlie looked at Doreen in bewilderment and bit into his festive fayre. He immediately  spat it on the floor.

“These are shit, Templeton !” he growled scraping his tongue with his finger nails.  “Give me free shit like that again and I will shop somewhere else.”

I sighed and pointed to Tucknott to mark up the WD40.

Merry Christmas from Derek Templeton

Well,  Christmas is nearly here at Templeton’s Hardware and PC Tucknott, Doreen and myself would like to wish you a very Merry Christmas !

The new news here is that recent circumstances (which I am not prepared to go into) have resulted in me deciding to share some of the key business decisions with PC Tucknott and Doreen.  Tucknott has now finished his community service order following the scout in a headlock incident and Doreen is happier now that Tucknott and I have started lifting the toilet seat and doing No 2’s at home rather than at work.

Templeton’s is a happy workplace.

So, I’ve formed a Buying Committee and Tucknott, Doreen and I meet on Wednesday mornings to mull over the latest market offerings. I am proud to announce that we have decided on our key range offering for the season 2012/2013. All the products below are available in store now at a range of competitive prices. Do pop buy and stock up on

The Motorized Rolling Pin

Gift 1

No longer will you have aching wrists or “rolling-pin elbows” with our fantastic motorized rolling-pin. Just press the button on the handle and go with the flow. Price £36.99

The Family Blankeez

Gift 2Gift 3

God we know its cold at the moment – especially in East Yorkshire, but now families can wrap up toasty warm with the Family Blankeez. The brilliance of this clever invention is that it doubles as a cover for the family on weekend bike rides in less than clement weather. Price £27.99

The Pet Sweep

Gift 5 Gift 6How many times have pet owners had to clear up muddy paw marks from the previously beautifully clean kitchen and hall floors. Wel know we let the pets do the work with Pet Sweep. Simply attach the dust boots to the paws of your favourite pooch and sit back and watch your floors get clear. Price £19.99

Merry Christmas

Derek, PC Tucknott and Doreen – Templeton’s Hardware Buying Committee

Christmas time and the drinks flow (and flow)


“I’ve got a great idea on how to boost the number of customers we get through the door Jason.”  I said to PC Tucknott as we talked through the leisurely pace of takings in the store this week.

Jason appeared keen to learn.

” We’re going to spread a little Christmas cheer through Sprodlington.”  I continued.  “We’ll get festive and share the goodwill of Templeton’s Hardware to our loyal and new customers.”

Jason wondered whether that included the scatty old dears from the RSPB next door, but with plans to close them down and extend Templeton’s square footage, I thought they were best left alone.

“Listen Jason” I dictated, showing the assertiveness of a leader of a “high performing team” (something I read on the DIYweek website!)  I’m going to bring in Colin for half a day to help you and whilst I’m off fishing, I want you to be creative.”

I thought Colin deserved a chance.  His recent trouser antics with his elephant impressions (he turns out his trouser pockets for the ears – I don’t need to go on) has seen him barred from most shops and all the pubs in the town.  I thought he would repay me for putting him up at my house for a couple of days with some honest labour.

When I returned from three hours of my best endeavors to  attract some Bream to my Templeton dinner table I found Colin sitting on his arse behind the tills singing “Do they know its Christmas.”

“Where’s Tucknott you retard?” I snapped. “I can’t believe I trusted you.”

He pointed to the staff room and belched.

And there he was. Slouched on the table dressed as Santa.

“We did Festive drinks” he said.

“You’re a twat” I grunted. “Now sod off”