Bugger off ! We’re closed !

I’ve been working through the night; forced to take drastic action following the real threat of an invasion from uninvited guests.

Yesterday, Susie Kelly from “Dial a Dog Wash” fame announced to all that she could be coming to Sprodlington to pay me a visit. Now, most people would wait to be invited (perhaps it’s a French thing not to)and in this instance the wait would have been terminal. Inviting yourself, well it’s just rude!

The benefit of being a Hardware shop is that I have lots of boards and wood around. Yesterday, I put both my shop and myself into hiding. I am closed today anyway as it’s Sunday.

Ms Kelly is firstly visiting Doris Brazil in Bovey. I worry though, that in her fragile state of mind, whether Doris will recognise her and if she does whether her mind will retain the information. Doris recently confused herself over which of her customers had a wooden leg!

I hope that by taking my shop into camouflage, its enough to keep Ms Kelly at Doris’ and is a clear message that we are a more selective with our customer base here in Sprodlington.

I am going fishing for the day. I’m not saying where though for fear of being stalked again!

Taking the Nation by storm – The next big thing

The next big thing

There’s been some well-considered comments from my friends Merewoman and a lovely chap in France called Jon about my act which is designed to take the Nation by storm in the next series of Britain’s Got Talent.
Now we are all agreed that whistling and humming at the same time is pretty damn special, but Merewoman (now she has steadied herself a little) is very much focused on adding a third dimension to the act. I say steadied, as she was once suggesting the inflation of balloons from the wrong endand waving them at Her Majesty.
I am pretty fixed on adding the Samoan Fa’ataupati Slap Dance

The commercial benefits are huge. Just think this through. I head the group with my whistling and humming of “Windmills of your mind” (The Noel Harrison version not Dusty’s) Behind me Merewoman, Jon in France, Doris Brazil and BlarneyCrone (although I’m not sure about her yet as she blames everyone for her mistakes and might cause some disquiet in the group) perform the Samoan Fa’ataupati Slap Dance.
Suddenly, Amanda Holden is on her feet doing the seal clap. Piers is smiling and Simon has “sailed us through to the next round.”
The nation is agog and the lavalava has become the new Vuvezela.
“Where can we get the lavalavas?” the nation begs.
Then, after Templetons Hardware has sold out, the focus switches to the only other UK stockist in Appleton MarshDoris Brazil’s Ladies Wear. Elsewhere in Europe Merwoman makes a bundle as she has just acquired the exclusive rights to market Doris Brazil’s ladies’ clothing in France, including the islands of French Polynesia, Wallis and Futuna, Mayotte and French Guyana and I would let Jon in France benefit too.
I think we’re all on to a winner here.

Whatever happened to Hinge and Bracket ?

There are sweet two ladies who have become great friends through their blog sites. But its a remarkable coincidence that at the same time the fabulous comedy duo Hinge and Bracket disappeared from our screens.

Are these two now Doris and The Clone

Now, I have been wrong before, but these two characters bear a remarkable resemblance to dear old Doris Brazil from Appleton Marsh and a rather interesting character called Blarney Crone.
Now, if these two are not Dr Evadne Hinge and Dame Hilda Bracket, then they definitely should be.

Questions and more questions from Doris Brazil

There’s a little old lady who owns a clothes shop in a small place called Appleton Marsh. Doris Brazil is her name and she has asked me to answer a few questions.
Now in truth, I think Doris has a thing about me and probably doesn’t realise that I am happily married to Wendy. But to keep Doris happy, I am happy on this occasion to oblige

1. Why did you start a blog?
When Tracey our daughter comes to visit from Malton and The Cross Keys is open, I can pop down there. However on the odd occasion that she pops round when it was closed, I needed to find something else to do. Of course only to give her some quality time with her mother.


2. Comfy shoes or killer heels?
(See what I mean about Doris – she’s a funny one and perhaps a little fantasist!)

My working Hush Puppies

I’ve never tried killer heels, I only wear Hush Puppies given that in Templetons Hardware store I am on my wretched feet most of the day



3. The funniest moment in the last week?The funniest moment of last week was when Bin from Dionysus Kebabs pretended he was the Dad in the Greek act from that Britain’s Got Talent programme. He danced like he was Michael Flatman from the River people dance troupe.

4. What would have been your dream job?I would have liked to have been Clive Sullivan powering up the wing for Hull FC. Clive, who now has a road named after him in Hull (ironically slower to travel on in a car than he could run) still holds two records for Hull which are: Most tries in a career (250) and most tries in a match (7) against Doncaster on 15 April 1968.

The famous road in Hull. Clive Sullivan Way


5. If you won the lottery tonight, what would be the first thing you’d do?
I would go down to The Cross Keys and pop a few quid in the fruit machine and have a game of Doms. I wouldn’t tell anyone anything about my win!

6. Most useless gadget you own?I think they are all detailed here . . https://derektempleton.wordpress.com/2010/06/15/should-i-buy-some-vuvezelas/ but I would have to admit that someone bought me this and I have never understood what it is

What on earth is this thing ?

7. You’re waiting for someone and they’re late. How late is too late?

Some people I know won’t wait for people for more than two minutes before strolling off and doing their own thing. I have just a little more patience, but only a little.

8. Are you a do it now person, or a it can wait until tomorrow person?I am most definitely a “It can be done by someone else now” type of person

9. If you were a drink, what would you be?
Drunk

10. What was the first thing you thought when you read these questions?


I thought that Doris Brazil had created a very bizarre way of trying to find out some more information about me. As stated, I feel I have stoked her fire.