Sometimes you have to be honest . .

Yesterday afternoon I collected my Farah trousers from the dry cleaners. Some may recall that when I took them in recently, Molly Pope declared loudly “There’s rather a large stain on the front, Mr Templeton.”

Molly’s reasoning for this outburst was that she had not been selected to join Templetons Temptations – my new one to one dating consultancy. Applicants have to send in an up to date photo and if I think I can help them, they take me for a meal at a pre selected restaurant.  Here I help them with tips and advice on how to be more attractive to men.  I am an expert since I read the free bits from “Pandora’s Box”.

Molly clearly wanted, and needed help.  But I had to be honest and tell her there was nothing really anyone could do.  Now, my followers know I have a good heart and I had already decided that when I turn an application down, I still wanted to help if I could.  Therefore, unlucky applicants either get a voucher towards the cost of dental treatment or a free face mask.

I tried to be kind to Molly.

“You know what Molly,” I said as she looked towards me in a slightly menacing way.  “I usually only give ladies either the dental voucher or the face mask.  But in your case I want to make a generous exception as you need both.”

“F**k Off Derek.”  Molly shouted (I apologise for the language) “And try and not p*ss on your trousers in future.”

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Music to my ears

Whilst we still anxiously await the return of Trevor (or Tracey) to our little market town of Sprodlington, it was important that today I took my mind off things.

I have therefore kept myself busy and whilst browsing through the Sprodlington Post (our own local paper) I noticed some fantastic music results from Audrey Bishop’s School of Music.

Congratulations to the following for their great achievements.

Name Instrument Grade Score Award
SAM NASTER B FLAT CORNET 1 113 Pass
FLORENCE KNIGHT B FLAT CORNET 1 128 Merit
HARRIET WEST B FLAT CORNET 1 118 Pass

HANNAH BRAMPTON CLARINET 3 120 Merit
JULIA SAVILLE CLARINET 1 124 Merit
CHARLIE SHRIEVE CLARINET 1 117 Pass

MIRANDA KENDALL FLUTE 1 125 Merit
MICHAEL PLUMLEY FLUTE 5 130 Distinction

AMANDA FLOWERS OBOE 1 125 Merit

Well done everyone and well done Audrey and her fabulous teachers

Cross dressing for beginners

The other day I received a telephone call from Colin.

“I’ve got Trevor round here” he said.”He’s acting rather strange and is a little upset.”

Colin, as you know is the local school history teacher, and Trevor Shoreditch is what I would describe as a woodwork teacher, although they have more fancy names nowadays.

“What’s up with Trevor then?” I asked.

There’s always been a little edge to Trevor ever since he was reprimanded for stamping on a boys foot when the lad had made a wooden ashtray.

“He’s decided that he wants to change direction in life.” Colin paused before adding. “He says we have to call him Tracey.”

Now I already know one too many Traceys, but I was desperate to meet this new one and after grabbing my camera I set off for Colin’s and there was TrevorTracey.

Trevor Tracey was crying; I thought perhaps with a sense of relief that this was all out in the open, although I did think he she had made a very bold step change in one go.

“Let’s take your picture then.” I said

“I’m really not so sure.” replied Trevor.”I’m rather confused and upset.”

“Rubbish!” I tried to firm his view “If you’re going to look like that you better get ready to be stared at and have you photo taken. All the kids will get you on their mobile phones.”

And so I took my picture anyway.

The Top TV Presenters . .

Wendy

Oh, there was nearly blood on the carpet the other night Chez Templeton! There was I cleaning the filter for our Honey Gourami and Marbled Sailfin Pleco fish when Wendy made this horrible laughing cackling sound she makes.

“Oh he’s so funny that Graham Norton” snorted Wendy. “He’s the best presenter on television by far.”

“Bollocks Wendy!” I shouted from the utility room. I was a little short-tempered at the end of the day. “He’s not a real television presenter and you seem to have simply forgotten the masters of the past.”

“Like who?” Wendy challenged; clearly spoiling for a fight from her horizontal position on the sofa. “Like who?”

“Well Mike Morris for starters” I said. “There’s a man who had to wake the nation up and send them to work.” Mike joined TV-am as a sports reporter I remembered and quickly became the main ‘face’ of TV-am Sport and presented bulletins until the end of 1987. During this time he would also regularly co-present “Good Morning Britain”, filling in for the beautifully jumpered Nick Owen. From 1988 onwards Mike took over as “Good Morning Britain” and he then went on to become regular presenter of Yorkshire TV’s news magazine programme “Calendar”.

And then I tried to finish the argument with a left hook by summoning a female tv presenter to my case and said “Or Anne Diamond” and then regretted it instantly.

“Anne Bloody Diamond” said Wendy. “Grow up! At least try to make an argument.”

I checked out Anne “Bloody” Diamond’s biography just to see if it was worth coming back to Wendy at a later date but all it said was “Anne finally left TV-am in 1990 to pursue other career opportunities and look after her young family” which in my speak means she’s been offered bugger all since, given that her “young family would now be 17!”