Bugger off ! We’re closed !

I’ve been working through the night; forced to take drastic action following the real threat of an invasion from uninvited guests.

Yesterday, Susie Kelly from “Dial a Dog Wash” fame announced to all that she could be coming to Sprodlington to pay me a visit. Now, most people would wait to be invited (perhaps it’s a French thing not to)and in this instance the wait would have been terminal. Inviting yourself, well it’s just rude!

The benefit of being a Hardware shop is that I have lots of boards and wood around. Yesterday, I put both my shop and myself into hiding. I am closed today anyway as it’s Sunday.

Ms Kelly is firstly visiting Doris Brazil in Bovey. I worry though, that in her fragile state of mind, whether Doris will recognise her and if she does whether her mind will retain the information. Doris recently confused herself over which of her customers had a wooden leg!

I hope that by taking my shop into camouflage, its enough to keep Ms Kelly at Doris’ and is a clear message that we are a more selective with our customer base here in Sprodlington.

I am going fishing for the day. I’m not saying where though for fear of being stalked again!

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Music to my ears

Whilst we still anxiously await the return of Trevor (or Tracey) to our little market town of Sprodlington, it was important that today I took my mind off things.

I have therefore kept myself busy and whilst browsing through the Sprodlington Post (our own local paper) I noticed some fantastic music results from Audrey Bishop’s School of Music.

Congratulations to the following for their great achievements.

Name Instrument Grade Score Award
SAM NASTER B FLAT CORNET 1 113 Pass
FLORENCE KNIGHT B FLAT CORNET 1 128 Merit
HARRIET WEST B FLAT CORNET 1 118 Pass

HANNAH BRAMPTON CLARINET 3 120 Merit
JULIA SAVILLE CLARINET 1 124 Merit
CHARLIE SHRIEVE CLARINET 1 117 Pass

MIRANDA KENDALL FLUTE 1 125 Merit
MICHAEL PLUMLEY FLUTE 5 130 Distinction

AMANDA FLOWERS OBOE 1 125 Merit

Well done everyone and well done Audrey and her fabulous teachers

The Top TV Presenters . .

Wendy

Oh, there was nearly blood on the carpet the other night Chez Templeton! There was I cleaning the filter for our Honey Gourami and Marbled Sailfin Pleco fish when Wendy made this horrible laughing cackling sound she makes.

“Oh he’s so funny that Graham Norton” snorted Wendy. “He’s the best presenter on television by far.”

“Bollocks Wendy!” I shouted from the utility room. I was a little short-tempered at the end of the day. “He’s not a real television presenter and you seem to have simply forgotten the masters of the past.”

“Like who?” Wendy challenged; clearly spoiling for a fight from her horizontal position on the sofa. “Like who?”

“Well Mike Morris for starters” I said. “There’s a man who had to wake the nation up and send them to work.” Mike joined TV-am as a sports reporter I remembered and quickly became the main ‘face’ of TV-am Sport and presented bulletins until the end of 1987. During this time he would also regularly co-present “Good Morning Britain”, filling in for the beautifully jumpered Nick Owen. From 1988 onwards Mike took over as “Good Morning Britain” and he then went on to become regular presenter of Yorkshire TV’s news magazine programme “Calendar”.

And then I tried to finish the argument with a left hook by summoning a female tv presenter to my case and said “Or Anne Diamond” and then regretted it instantly.

“Anne Bloody Diamond” said Wendy. “Grow up! At least try to make an argument.”

I checked out Anne “Bloody” Diamond’s biography just to see if it was worth coming back to Wendy at a later date but all it said was “Anne finally left TV-am in 1990 to pursue other career opportunities and look after her young family” which in my speak means she’s been offered bugger all since, given that her “young family would now be 17!”

Making your mind up!


“It’s always best to get out at the top” they say. But if you decide not to, as shown by The Original Bucks Fizz, then at least your loyal fans get further chances to see your amazing act. And you’ll still get to support some amazing groups on “the circuit” like Bjorn Again – the Abba tribute act.

Bucks Fizz The Original line up includes Jay Ashton, Cheryl Thingy and Mike The Blonde One but not The Older One who can still grace the stage pumping out the old old favourites like “Land of make believe” “Making your mind up” and the other ones.

Brilliant new routines with stunning choreography and really tricky new moves like the “pat a cake” are available for all to see as they tour. And the costumes are just as scanty as when Mike The Blonde One and Bobby G ripped off skirts from Jay and Cheryl in front of an appreciative crowd at the European Song Contest on March 11th 1981. It’s great to know that the outfits look as good then as they do today.

But Bucks Fizz took nothing for granted, and promoted their last tour hard in 2009 on popular tv shows like Loose Women and Live from Studio Five and they even promoted their tour dates with significant milestones like when they said “the band are working hard on the one off show at Newcastle City Hall on the 12th December 2009. It’s the 25th anniversary of the 1984 coach crash where Mike Nolan nearly lost his life. See the homepage for ticket details for this very special show.”

With vast media coverage and self-promotion like this its no wonder the band played in front of some packed, heaving audiences.

How to get gagged

Yesterday I was reading an bizarrely interesting blog about “The Private Language of Marriage” written by Delia Lloyd. The blog appears to be a collection of comments from relatively happy souls giving each other advice on how to have lovely marriages (Mrs Templeton take note). Certainly the couple the author depicts look as though they would never let go of each other.

such a lovely couple


But one poster named “Nardeeisms” claimed the following as good advice ;

“Whenever I cook something delicious, my husband says “”This tastes burnt”” It’s a compliment of the highest caliber.”

Well, excuse me but predictably it’s not! I tried it and got popped over the head with a pan by Mrs Templeton.

I was not happy, so I wrote a comment on the author Delia’s blog to explain what Mrs Templeton had done. I was keen to warn other readers that if they followed this suggestion that they too may get something of a surprise in return.

What thanks did I get? Delia scrubbed my comment. How nice is that when I am trying to help!

Others who I have tried to help have been far nicer and details can be found in my new section “Derek Helps Out”

The lovely Nicole Griffin Eakin has sought my help with her addiction for creating lists, and Kevin Shannon was very grateful when I shared with him my delight at the response my glossy adverts received in The Sandwich Shop’s front window

Derek and The Dominos

Wade insists on losing his shirt

It should have been a quiet end to the night. The World Cup Final had played out in the public bar of The Cross Keys, Sprodlington and in the corner of the saloon bar, with a few World Top’s already consumed, Wade the crop sprayer sat with the rest of us. He had just lost every game of dominos.

I couldn’t work out why he continued with his bizarre tactic of trying of offload all his 3’s first; I’ll never understand.

“You’ll take the bloody shirt off my back” barked Wade, jumping up from his stool and scattering the dominos.

“Wade, we’re playing for a couple of quid a corner,” I said. “Now sit down.”

“You’re just a bunch of hustlers,” he continued “and you want the sodding shirt off my back.”

“Oh for God’s sake, here we go!” predicted Colin, having seen Wade do the same routine at least seven times in the last 12 months.

And so there we sat, and watched Wade stand on his stool; take off his shirt like a footballer who had scored the winning goal in the World Cup final, and swing it around his head before releasing it across the bar.

Now sit down” we all said.